[This memory opens as Zapper's friend and manager finds her slumping in her seat in front of a half-empty glass at a local e-sports bar. Games are being broadcast on the television screens, but Zapper isn't really watching them - she's looking at her cellphone, with a text to Seeker to come drink with her if wanted, but now that person is here, pulling up on another stool.]
What're you having?
[and Zapper responds, forgetting already that she is the one who invited:]
No idea, but it's my second one. Are you here to chew me out for team practice? Cause I'm not in the fucking mood.
I was going to ask why you missed it, but no, no chewing. Everybody missed it, so it's basically canceled. The whole team gets a self-care day, as far as I'm concerned.
[Zapper feels a twinge of guilt. She's used to storming off on her own after a major upset, especially one as bad as the game they just lost. The rest of the team though? That's not so typical.]
Well, crap. That's bad. Not the self-care thing, but the 'everybody gone' thing... also, I'm failing at the self-care thing, for that matter. I'm reasonably sure going out boozing 'cause you're sad counts as self-destruction more than self-care, right?
[she sighs, sinking again.] ...Valkyrie wouldn't do this, and yet here I am.
You're not Valkyrie, [Seeker attempts to affirm, but is waved off.]
Yeah. I'm not. I'm probably going to be a washed-up loser when I'm her age. [She takes another deep gulp of the drink, then sets it aside to turn to her conversation partner with clear frustration in her eyes, as she goes into a rant.]
It's ridiculous, right? Tell me you agree it's ridiculous. You can't be a middle-aged esports star, no one can! The prime for esports players is actually late teens to early twenties. After that point, it's basically over. Reflexes slow down. You have trouble keeping up with the meta... that's not ageism. That's statistics and biology. The human body only has a short window where it operates at peak performance. As you get older, you transition to being an industry rep, or a coach, or... or as sickening as it is to say, a trading card game expert! And I am not gonna be untapping red mana during the upkeep phase into my fifties. That is the opposite of awesome.
And Valkyrie... Victoria Proude. She followed that arc, right? Retired when she hit thirty, transitioned to coaching. Made money. Did well for herself. ...And then she goes 'Oh hey I feel like being a player again' and completely obliterates us at a high-profile event!
[Her more reasonable friend seems rightly skeptical about all this. But Zapper is ready to shoot them down, caught in her doubts.]
I mean... is it really that implausible? The Demon's pushing late thirties but he's doing well in the Four Heavenly Kings...
There's a reason 4HK are seen as more of a 'legend' than a 'competitor.' They innovate new play methods and everybody loves them, but they aren't really conquerors anymore. Not like Team Play-2-Win. Not like Valkyrie...
[Sensing that Zapper is not getting off this topic, Seeker attempts to talk her through it.]
So... how do you think she did it? How'd she not lose a single step as she got older?
[Zapper pulls her phone out, scrolling through her bookmarks for a news article she researched.]
A question I've been asking myself all day. And I think I have the answer... Yoga. Going vegan. Regular exercise. Never smoked, doesn't drink. No kids of her own to wrangle. Nothing except absolute drive and determination to stay in shape... She's a goddamn machine. 24/7 dedicated to maintaining her high performance. No wonder she came roaring back from obscurity.
[Zapper is seriously fretting over this, as the protagonist with her can tell.]
Okay, I can see why the very idea of this would disgust you. Spending hours every day on a strict regimen of self-dicipline is very much not Zapper.
Exactly. My ideal is awesomeness - doing whatever I want, whenever I want. No compromise. Because... because nothing matters and the universe is unfair. It doesn't care if you're naughty or nice, clean or dirty. It takes, and it takes...
If life is a currency, I want to spend it, not hoard it and conserve it like Valkyrie does.
So you need to figure out a way to beat her without compromising your ideals...
Yeah. Easier said than done, right?
[Now Zapper is just staring into the thin layer of bubbling liquid that remains in the bottom of her glass.]
He was right, you know. Domino... remember back when I kicked his ass? It's because he mocked me by saying soon I'd be old and slow and tired. That's what scares me. That's what really set me off. He said all my glory days would be memories to look back on in sorrow once I was a retired jock. Alone and unloved, with nothing in my life...
[Her eyes narrow bitterly.]
I chose to live hard, play hard. When you're a teenager, you feel immortal. I felt like I could do damn near anything... I'm only in my twenties, but I can see the end of my road on the horizon, y'know? It's like my midlife crisis hit me early, because... well, live fast, die young. Maybe Domino was right. I could flame out hard and end up busted and old and alone. Or, I could burn away any semblance of fun from my life so I can keep the glory going like Valkyrie did. I don't know. And several beers in, I still don't know. Maybe there isn't a solution. Just, uuugggh. I don't like compromising, especially when it comes to living my life. Even if it's the adult thing to do.
Hate to remind you of it but you are technically an adult, yes.
Yeah. Hard fact of life, isn't it? ....Okay. At the very least, sitting around here sucking back pints is probably not helping my situation. It's not even fun drinking. It's just drinking.
[She hops off the barstool then, after nudging aside her glass. Finally, a smile is on her face.]
If I'm going to go beat my brains out with barley and hops, it's going to be for a way cooler reason than this. Let's get back to the arcade. Maybe we can salvage the day, right...?
[It's an overcast night, but the countless lights of theme park attractions glow brightly enough that magic still seems to be the air. Zapper is there, her hair an unruly mop and her coat the puffy kind that could hide anything she'd want to smuggle into the playful Pengy Paradise. Her friend who spoke up has curly hair and a unicorn tee, and she looks proud of herself for her chosen name. Zapper smirks a bit, jumping to conclusions - she's a careful girl, and she's probably nervous about all the rules they're about to break.]
There's no need for codenames, Claudette. I promise no one's gonna catch us.
It's not that! Zapper, you have such a cool nickname, and I want us to match. So, Cloudy for Claudette! The cloud goes with that lightning sign you use on FoD. Don't you think that would be... be awesome?
[This makes the young Zapper's heart skip several beats. They're excited and painful.]
You've got a point there. Can't have lightning zaps without any clouds in the sky. Okay, Cloudy. Are you ready to take Chilly World by STORM?
T-That was such a dad joke... but, yes please!
[Soon enough, the two are in a boat with no one else in sight, gently proceeding along its track as the most adorable penguin animatronics clickety clack dance wearing their multicultural costumes. Though there's clearly a winter theme, pink and purple lights illuminate the dancers as though an aurora shined down on them. Cloudy is singing along to the song, though she doesn't really know the words - "Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo" type singing. Meanwhile, Zapper is watching the ride more carefully, recounting a route she saw online. It was a story of two men who snuck backstage and documented their adventures. It seemed perfect, as a special experience she could treat her friend to. Soon, she notices the gap and tugs on Cloudy's jacket.]
Get ready... [And she stands up in the boat, wobbling a bit but excited. She leaps to the boat ahead, and Cloudy follows her. They jump another, and Zapper finally has the spot she needs to leap right into the scenery with the penguins. Then she turns around, takes Cloudy's hands, and helps her clamber next to her. It's kind of awkward - Cloudy is taller than her, and panting somewhat. Zapper pays it no mind and keeps holding her hand, rushing her past a subtle panel. Now they're in a pitch dark room.]
Huff... ha... What is this? That was so dangerous... You're sure there aren't any guards?
[Zapper is still holding her hand. In the dark. She's confident there are none, and that would almost make her bold in this darkness. But... but no. This day has to be perfect. That means not jeopardizing their friendship. She lets go, finding her flashlight.]
Yeah, see? It's just the two of us~
[This goes right over the innocent Cloudy's head, Zapper is even more certain. Cloudy chats to her while she leads her through this mysterious hallway, but the words are a blur. Regret stains this scene too much to recall.]
Alright, this should be it! [The door she found swings open, and they're now in an area full of concrete and plywood, lit up by thin ceiling lights. Dingy supports of the ride. The music can still be heard faintly. There's a creepy, mysterious vibe to the whole thing.]
...This is amazing!
[Zapper laughs, giddy that she likes it.] Right? It's our new territory! A memory only we can make. Gotta pack em' in, after all...
[Cloudy looks at her feet at the reminder. Zapper mentally kicks herself. Distraction time! She opens her coat and reveals a bag bulging with snacks and "PengyBräu" stolen from the German themed beer garden - they are definitely not old enough to drink it. In some way, that's just another reminder of the situation, but she's trying her best.]
What do you say to a picnic?
Um, it sounds fun. [Cloudy gingerly takes a beer, they click their drinks together, and she sips it, making faces, but enduring the test of bravery.] Ew. I obviously won't be missing out with this one. But... at least I tried it, haha! [She eagerly unwraps a bunch of snacks instead, looking like an excited little squirrel. Zapper takes the can from her and chugs it for the world's most vigorous indirect kiss!! Her face turns red immediately.]
Bluuugh, same! Let's leave it in the boat on our way back.
[The girls giggle and chat about their break-in. The whole time, Zapper is telling stories, showing off. Cloudy absorbs it, smiling softly. Eventually, their sugar high kicks in, and Zapper whips out a pocket knife from her smuggled goodie bag. Cloudy holds the flashlight for her as she marks their claim with the Zapper Z-shaped lightning bolt. Then, she offers it to her, and they trade places while Cloudy crudely carves her best drawing of a cloud right above it. Afterwards, they marvel at their handiwork.]
...Thank you, Zapper. This is - it's perfect. My little mark on the world. Or at least the chilly world. This won't ever go away, right?
[Zapper looks down at her, while she keeps staring at the symbol. Cloudy's small hand reaches up to rest on it. ...She has to be strong.]
No, Cloudy. The ride's been here for ages - it's a classic! They'll never tear it down!
Good...
[Tears begin to well up in her eyes, and her knife hand drops while her other hand hurries to wipe them away. Zapper drops her flashlight and it rolls into the pile of cans. She reaches for her, but Cloudy's already sinking down to sit on her knees. So she sits down too. It's hard not to choke up for her too, knowing exactly where the sudden emotion came from. Anger bubbles in her chest as well. She folds her hand over Cloudy's, even though it's still holding the knife - I mean, if she accidentally gets cut, it's nothing compared to the pain her friend feels.]
And I swear I'll come by to see. Keep the lines fresh. I won't ever forget... It's just, it's so cruel for this to happen to you. You do everything right, play by all the rules, and this is the shit the universe deals you? Fuck cancer.
[That gets a bittersweet smile from her.] It does seem a bit silly now, worrying about my grades... but it's ok. At least I made a really good friend...?
Cloudy... [She wants to say she thinks of her as more than a friend more than anything in the world. That she loves her. Instead, she cries, and the words don't come. They lean on each other until they are peaceful again. Finally, Zapper's eyes open again and she mumbles.]
You really are a noble soul.
[...Such a corny line, but it's the closest she ever got to saying those three words.
But the word she did say, she kept. Zapper remembers going in there every time she goes to Pengy Paradise, and the warm feeling she gets when she crosses into their world.
The outside world is cold, though. It doesn't care. So now, Zapper doesn't either.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Ideal
What're you having?
[and Zapper responds, forgetting already that she is the one who invited:]
No idea, but it's my second one. Are you here to chew me out for team practice? Cause I'm not in the fucking mood.
I was going to ask why you missed it, but no, no chewing. Everybody missed it, so it's basically canceled. The whole team gets a self-care day, as far as I'm concerned.
[Zapper feels a twinge of guilt. She's used to storming off on her own after a major upset, especially one as bad as the game they just lost. The rest of the team though? That's not so typical.]
Well, crap. That's bad. Not the self-care thing, but the 'everybody gone' thing... also, I'm failing at the self-care thing, for that matter. I'm reasonably sure going out boozing 'cause you're sad counts as self-destruction more than self-care, right?
[she sighs, sinking again.] ...Valkyrie wouldn't do this, and yet here I am.
You're not Valkyrie, [Seeker attempts to affirm, but is waved off.]
Yeah. I'm not. I'm probably going to be a washed-up loser when I'm her age. [She takes another deep gulp of the drink, then sets it aside to turn to her conversation partner with clear frustration in her eyes, as she goes into a rant.]
It's ridiculous, right? Tell me you agree it's ridiculous. You can't be a middle-aged esports star, no one can! The prime for esports players is actually late teens to early twenties. After that point, it's basically over. Reflexes slow down. You have trouble keeping up with the meta... that's not ageism. That's statistics and biology. The human body only has a short window where it operates at peak performance. As you get older, you transition to being an industry rep, or a coach, or... or as sickening as it is to say, a trading card game expert! And I am not gonna be untapping red mana during the upkeep phase into my fifties. That is the opposite of awesome.
And Valkyrie... Victoria Proude. She followed that arc, right? Retired when she hit thirty, transitioned to coaching. Made money. Did well for herself. ...And then she goes 'Oh hey I feel like being a player again' and completely obliterates us at a high-profile event!
[Her more reasonable friend seems rightly skeptical about all this. But Zapper is ready to shoot them down, caught in her doubts.]
I mean... is it really that implausible? The Demon's pushing late thirties but he's doing well in the Four Heavenly Kings...
There's a reason 4HK are seen as more of a 'legend' than a 'competitor.' They innovate new play methods and everybody loves them, but they aren't really conquerors anymore. Not like Team Play-2-Win. Not like Valkyrie...
[Sensing that Zapper is not getting off this topic, Seeker attempts to talk her through it.]
So... how do you think she did it? How'd she not lose a single step as she got older?
[Zapper pulls her phone out, scrolling through her bookmarks for a news article she researched.]
A question I've been asking myself all day. And I think I have the answer... Yoga. Going vegan. Regular exercise. Never smoked, doesn't drink. No kids of her own to wrangle. Nothing except absolute drive and determination to stay in shape... She's a goddamn machine. 24/7 dedicated to maintaining her high performance. No wonder she came roaring back from obscurity.
[Zapper is seriously fretting over this, as the protagonist with her can tell.]
Okay, I can see why the very idea of this would disgust you. Spending hours every day on a strict regimen of self-dicipline is very much not Zapper.
Exactly. My ideal is awesomeness - doing whatever I want, whenever I want. No compromise. Because... because nothing matters and the universe is unfair. It doesn't care if you're naughty or nice, clean or dirty. It takes, and it takes...
If life is a currency, I want to spend it, not hoard it and conserve it like Valkyrie does.
So you need to figure out a way to beat her without compromising your ideals...
Yeah. Easier said than done, right?
[Now Zapper is just staring into the thin layer of bubbling liquid that remains in the bottom of her glass.]
He was right, you know. Domino... remember back when I kicked his ass? It's because he mocked me by saying soon I'd be old and slow and tired. That's what scares me. That's what really set me off. He said all my glory days would be memories to look back on in sorrow once I was a retired jock. Alone and unloved, with nothing in my life...
[Her eyes narrow bitterly.]
I chose to live hard, play hard. When you're a teenager, you feel immortal. I felt like I could do damn near anything... I'm only in my twenties, but I can see the end of my road on the horizon, y'know? It's like my midlife crisis hit me early, because... well, live fast, die young. Maybe Domino was right. I could flame out hard and end up busted and old and alone. Or, I could burn away any semblance of fun from my life so I can keep the glory going like Valkyrie did. I don't know. And several beers in, I still don't know. Maybe there isn't a solution. Just, uuugggh. I don't like compromising, especially when it comes to living my life. Even if it's the adult thing to do.
Hate to remind you of it but you are technically an adult, yes.
Yeah. Hard fact of life, isn't it? ....Okay. At the very least, sitting around here sucking back pints is probably not helping my situation. It's not even fun drinking. It's just drinking.
[She hops off the barstool then, after nudging aside her glass. Finally, a smile is on her face.]
If I'm going to go beat my brains out with barley and hops, it's going to be for a way cooler reason than this. Let's get back to the arcade. Maybe we can salvage the day, right...?
special place
Hey! Can you call me... 'Cloudy?'
[It's an overcast night, but the countless lights of theme park attractions glow brightly enough that magic still seems to be the air. Zapper is there, her hair an unruly mop and her coat the puffy kind that could hide anything she'd want to smuggle into the playful Pengy Paradise. Her friend who spoke up has curly hair and a unicorn tee, and she looks proud of herself for her chosen name. Zapper smirks a bit, jumping to conclusions - she's a careful girl, and she's probably nervous about all the rules they're about to break.]
There's no need for codenames, Claudette. I promise no one's gonna catch us.
It's not that! Zapper, you have such a cool nickname, and I want us to match. So, Cloudy for Claudette! The cloud goes with that lightning sign you use on FoD. Don't you think that would be... be awesome?
[This makes the young Zapper's heart skip several beats. They're excited and painful.]
You've got a point there. Can't have lightning zaps without any clouds in the sky. Okay, Cloudy. Are you ready to take Chilly World by STORM?
T-That was such a dad joke... but, yes please!
[Soon enough, the two are in a boat with no one else in sight, gently proceeding along its track as the most adorable penguin animatronics clickety clack dance wearing their multicultural costumes. Though there's clearly a winter theme, pink and purple lights illuminate the dancers as though an aurora shined down on them. Cloudy is singing along to the song, though she doesn't really know the words - "Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo" type singing. Meanwhile, Zapper is watching the ride more carefully, recounting a route she saw online. It was a story of two men who snuck backstage and documented their adventures. It seemed perfect, as a special experience she could treat her friend to. Soon, she notices the gap and tugs on Cloudy's jacket.]
Get ready... [And she stands up in the boat, wobbling a bit but excited. She leaps to the boat ahead, and Cloudy follows her. They jump another, and Zapper finally has the spot she needs to leap right into the scenery with the penguins. Then she turns around, takes Cloudy's hands, and helps her clamber next to her. It's kind of awkward - Cloudy is taller than her, and panting somewhat. Zapper pays it no mind and keeps holding her hand, rushing her past a subtle panel. Now they're in a pitch dark room.]
Huff... ha... What is this? That was so dangerous... You're sure there aren't any guards?
[Zapper is still holding her hand. In the dark. She's confident there are none, and that would almost make her bold in this darkness. But... but no. This day has to be perfect. That means not jeopardizing their friendship. She lets go, finding her flashlight.]
Yeah, see? It's just the two of us~
[This goes right over the innocent Cloudy's head, Zapper is even more certain. Cloudy chats to her while she leads her through this mysterious hallway, but the words are a blur. Regret stains this scene too much to recall.]
Alright, this should be it! [The door she found swings open, and they're now in an area full of concrete and plywood, lit up by thin ceiling lights. Dingy supports of the ride. The music can still be heard faintly. There's a creepy, mysterious vibe to the whole thing.]
...This is amazing!
[Zapper laughs, giddy that she likes it.] Right? It's our new territory! A memory only we can make. Gotta pack em' in, after all...
[Cloudy looks at her feet at the reminder. Zapper mentally kicks herself. Distraction time! She opens her coat and reveals a bag bulging with snacks and "PengyBräu" stolen from the German themed beer garden - they are definitely not old enough to drink it. In some way, that's just another reminder of the situation, but she's trying her best.]
What do you say to a picnic?
Um, it sounds fun. [Cloudy gingerly takes a beer, they click their drinks together, and she sips it, making faces, but enduring the test of bravery.] Ew. I obviously won't be missing out with this one. But... at least I tried it, haha! [She eagerly unwraps a bunch of snacks instead, looking like an excited little squirrel. Zapper takes the can from her and chugs it for the world's most vigorous indirect kiss!! Her face turns red immediately.]
Bluuugh, same! Let's leave it in the boat on our way back.
[The girls giggle and chat about their break-in. The whole time, Zapper is telling stories, showing off. Cloudy absorbs it, smiling softly. Eventually, their sugar high kicks in, and Zapper whips out a pocket knife from her smuggled goodie bag. Cloudy holds the flashlight for her as she marks their claim with the Zapper Z-shaped lightning bolt. Then, she offers it to her, and they trade places while Cloudy crudely carves her best drawing of a cloud right above it. Afterwards, they marvel at their handiwork.]
...Thank you, Zapper. This is - it's perfect. My little mark on the world. Or at least the chilly world. This won't ever go away, right?
[Zapper looks down at her, while she keeps staring at the symbol. Cloudy's small hand reaches up to rest on it. ...She has to be strong.]
No, Cloudy. The ride's been here for ages - it's a classic! They'll never tear it down!
Good...
[Tears begin to well up in her eyes, and her knife hand drops while her other hand hurries to wipe them away. Zapper drops her flashlight and it rolls into the pile of cans. She reaches for her, but Cloudy's already sinking down to sit on her knees. So she sits down too. It's hard not to choke up for her too, knowing exactly where the sudden emotion came from. Anger bubbles in her chest as well. She folds her hand over Cloudy's, even though it's still holding the knife - I mean, if she accidentally gets cut, it's nothing compared to the pain her friend feels.]
And I swear I'll come by to see. Keep the lines fresh. I won't ever forget... It's just, it's so cruel for this to happen to you. You do everything right, play by all the rules, and this is the shit the universe deals you? Fuck cancer.
[That gets a bittersweet smile from her.] It does seem a bit silly now, worrying about my grades... but it's ok. At least I made a really good friend...?
Cloudy... [She wants to say she thinks of her as more than a friend more than anything in the world. That she loves her. Instead, she cries, and the words don't come. They lean on each other until they are peaceful again. Finally, Zapper's eyes open again and she mumbles.]
You really are a noble soul.
[...Such a corny line, but it's the closest she ever got to saying those three words.
But the word she did say, she kept. Zapper remembers going in there every time she goes to Pengy Paradise, and the warm feeling she gets when she crosses into their world.
The outside world is cold, though. It doesn't care. So now, Zapper doesn't either.]